He missed drunk dialing.  I’d assume it falls between communion and pizza.

You know who gives the worst dating advice ever?  My mom.  Why? she married my dad at 20, after dating him for 2 years.  Yup, I’m looking at you highschool sweetheart marriers.  You’re advice blows.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally happy for anyone who found “the one” before they turned 20 (peeps who loaded in with their freshman year/sophmore year partners count too).   But, if you married the first person you kissed (or boned), sit down.  You don’t get to play.

I’m not trying to be mean here, but it’s like a soldier getting war tips from someone who’s never been to battle but seen a lot Band of Brothers.

You know who doles out the fucking truth?  My spinster aunt.  She’s been dealing with the big bad world of singles for over 30 years, and believe you me does she have some stories.   And, before you say “what good is her advice if she never got married?”

She did.  At 50. (to her high school sweetheart…..)

I’m super glad I did because I found international movie star Jason Statham looking for a lady!!  And, apparently, he’s super well hung.

I love how he’s phrased it like a weekend blowout sale — these offers won’t last long….   You ladies better act quick!! Now!!  NOW!

Ps.  He blurred his face out for the Craigslist post, but I added the tulip.  ’cause it’s spring time and those were the featured ‘stickers’ on picnic.

If this one doesn’t go well, you are fucked.   Not sexually.

Through many years of exacting scientific research and field study, the scientists over at Urban Courting have developed a largely fool-proof method to breaking the First Kiss Barrier.  A method created to minimize embarrassment and maximize sexiness.  If you follow our system, we guarantee** non awkward smooches in the future.

Ladies and Gentlemen — we present –

The M.E.L.T system

• Moment Of Silence
• Extended Eye Contact
• Lean In
• Touch Lips

Read on for a breakdown of our Scientifically Engineered System.

***We at Urban Courting do not take any responsibility for any awkward moments, slaps and possible harassment suits that may come from improper implementation of M.E.L.T.

This may seem like a drawn out process, but, in the field it happens in a matter of seconds.

M: Moment of Silence

You’re on a date, or at a bar, or in some darkened room at a party chatting it up with an attractive person who makes your loins tingle.  Jokes are being had, things are electric.  Then, out of no where there comes a silence — suddenly the electricity in the air becomes palpable.   Let that moment hang there.  This is magic.

Once you’ve initiated the moment of silence it’s imperative that you shut the fuck up. Nothing kills the moment like a wierdly placed joke, or the ultimate amateur move asking any version of this question “Is it okay if I kiss you now?”

E: Extended Eye Contact
If people maintain eye contact for longer than 15 seconds they are either fighting or fucking – It’s a fact.

Let your gaze linger, it it’s weird to just stare super deeply in someone’s eyes, do a quick circle of the immediate eye area — but keep yourself engaged. Ladies, widen your eyes a bit, put your chin down ever so slightly, and look up at him.  For some reason this makes you extra kissable.  For the gents, keep it light.  If you’ve seen America’s Next Top Model (Don’t lie, I know you have!) — you should try to smile with your eyes.  Whatever you do, stay away from the death stare — you are trying to fuck not fight. Everyone should avoid the crazy eye.

Note: Phases M and E often happen simultaneously, or E comes before M. But EMLT just doesn’t make any sense, so we stuck with Melt

Now, if your person looks away, or says something, or both — this may be a sign to tap out.  They might have to go to the bathroom, or their ride is leaving, or, they just don’t want to be smoochin’ you.  Whatever it is, if you are attuned to the signs, you can save everyone a lot of awkwardness.

However, if you two maintaining both an extended eye contact, and a comfortable, electric, sexy silence — it’s time to progress to the next phase.

L: Lean In
This is when you cross that final personal bubble of face space — the four inch bubble of surrounding one’s cranial structure.  This space reserved for lovers and pretty much no one else.  The only people who blatantly invade this zone are drunks.

With that in mind, I advise you to maintain eye contact, and move on in.  If they continue smiling, eye-contacting and maybe even lean in.  You are cleared for the next step.

On the other hand, if they pull away it’s a loud and clear sign that your kissee does not want to advance past L. Fact of the matter is, the person doesn’t want to share their bubble with you, they also don’t want to share spit or any other bodily fluid.

Some use this opportunity to cradle your (maybe) lover’s face in their hands, or put their hand on the  neck/ shoulder and pull their amour closer.  This is a hot move, but also a bit advanced. If you do this wrong, you could overlook the pull away and will basically come out looking like a rapist/crazy harpy.  So, when in doubt go easy.

T: Touch Lips:

If you’ve gotten a green light on the previous three phases, you are all clear for lip contact.  Boom, the kiss barrier has been broken. As for technique, some people like a slightly open mouth, some people think the first kiss should be closed.  As long as you don’t lead with an incredibly open mouth, teeth or your tongue, you should be good.

This is the moment that makes or breaks it.  Rarely can anyone recover from a bad kiss.  But, if it’s good, that’s some real magic there.  The stuff of songs, poems and paintings.  I mean, let’s be honest, the first kiss is an essential building block of the sexual pyramid.  So, don’t fuck it up!!!!

So, there it is, our MELT system.  Road tested, and approved.  This all happens in a matter of moments, but if you can read the signs and play your cards right, you will be smooching your way to the bone zone.

With all of her pestering, she doesn’t do a damn thing about it.  I kind of miss the days of yentas and invasive family members wheeling and dealing — Which is why it was so nice to see this Craigslist ad.

♥My Mother Wrote This Personal Ad For Me, So I Could Meet Someone Nice – 33

aaand then I read the second line and almost vommed in my mouth.

So, let me get this straight, your mother knows that you have a huge dong — I guess that’s not super wierd, I she raised you and probs saw you nude a fair amount. But the fact that she can cosign your on the ability of your oral sex skills, that, my friend, is fucking gross.

This kind of reminds me of that episode of Cathouse where the mom got her virgin son a hooker — but about a thousand times worse.

After this post put me off mushroom risotto for oh, the next five years, I thought it would be interesting to trawl the ‘list on a weekly basis to see what else is out there.

So, yeah, every tuesday join me as we delve into the treasure trove that is craigslist.

You get an email/text/IM/Letter (wish people sent letters more often) from a person you like.

Read it, Re-read it, over and over, pouring through the words.  A Cryptographer searching for secret meanings, clues amid the 101010101s, expecting to find a hidden truth.

What does that comma mean?  is Xoxo better than See you Soon?

It’s all so silly, probably something they wrote quickly on their way to the bar or before getting drinks with someone hotter than you.  Get over it, means nothing.

Or does it…. It could use another quick go through.

UNSOLICITED SUGGESTIVE TEXTS — the old chestnut of awkward sexual relations.  I’ve certainly been on the receiving end of a fair amount of those — and their newer, but equally awkward cousin —  UNSOLICITED FB IMs

Facebook — an awesome way to network, reconnect with old friends and acquaintances…. and, sometimes have really awkward late night conversations with them.   Safely hidden behind their computer, the freaks really do come out at night.

Since the advent of Facebook Chat, I’ve gotten a relatively large amount of late-night communiques from random acquaintances on the very edge of my circle of friends.  Part of this is because I stay up late working, with my adium quietly hanging out in the background.  I also live on the west coast, which means even when I’m not up late — I’m still succeptible to late-night creepery from the east coast.

This late night Facebook story  goes a little like this.  I have a facebook “friend” — with whom I went to college.  I kind of remember the guy, but we were never friends in real life.   Even though I barely remember interacting with him, I accepted his friendship in the spirit of college and whatnot.

Little did I know, I was opening an awkward, awkward, can of worms.

Over the course of the past six months I’ve gotten the occasional “Hey” message from the Late Night Creeper (LNC).  Most of the time, I don’t reply.  A few months ago I did, and ended up having an awkwardly sexual IM chat.  Not IM sex or whatever (does anyone do that?) but definitely a conversation that he kept trying to take to the sexual level.  I on the other hand, was not.  I should have taken that as a sign that I should never engage with this individual again, but I did not.

After the last awkward IM sesh, I ignored LNC’s “hey” texts.  But, one night, I was bored and decided to respond back.   What follows is a transcript of our conversation.

I cannot emphasize enough how little I know this guy.  He is not a friend, we never hooked up, dated, or even talked on the phone.

10:12:16 PM LNC: hey

10:13:15 PM Me: hello

10:13:57 PM LNC: coming home anytime soon?

10:14:29 PM Me: I may come back for easter, will have to seee

10:15:08 PM LNC: cool..would love to see you…

10:15:27 PM Me: yeah, that would be cool

10:16:15 PM LNC: definitely

10:16:20 PM LNC: you look very sexy in your profile pic

(Uh, oh.  I should have seen this coming.  I quickly respond with the old “make-believe” boyfriend schtick.)

10:16:45 PM Me: thanks, my man took it.  he’s handy with the cam.

(Obviously my make-believe boyfriend is a talented photographer)

10:17:27 PM LNC: he does good work, love the third one too, very sexy.

(Undeterred by my imaginary boyfriend the late-night creepery continues)

10:17:40 PM Me: ?

10:18:53 PM LNC: what u doing now?

10:18:59 PM Me: Workin’

10:19:15 PM LNC: k…

10:21:35 PM LNC: you live with your man?

10:21:45 PM Me: nopers, he lives back east.

(Note:  How weird is it that my go-to make-believe relationship is a long-distance one? )

10:22:02 PM LNC: you have a man on the west coast too?

10:22:14 PM Me: eh sometimes, it’s a hassle.  all the talking and whatnot

10:22:32 PM Me: just takes time and mental space and energy away from my work.

10:24:09 PM LNC: so more just physical fulfillment?

(I walked right into that one)

10:24:24 PM Me: nah, I don’t really bother. it’s too much trouble.  I have my mans, who I see when i see, and my other time is spent writing, hanging w/ peeps. just enjoying life in general.

(Really trying to keep this convo on the up and up.)

10:25:27 PM LNC: cool..i’m impressed with your will power.  Don’t you get horny?

(Annnd, fail miserably)

10:26:15 PM Me: not so much

10:26:28 PM LNC: interesting

10:26:30 PM LNC: are you a very sexual girl?

(aaaand we’ve just veered into weird uncle territory.  Just reading that makes my skin crawl.  Honestly, this happened a few days ago, and looking at that sentence still makes me vom a bit in my mouth. This is where me and my make-believe boyfriend draw the line. )

10:27:29 PM Me: umm, that’s really none of your business

10:27:58 PM LNC: oh sorry! didnt mean it in an intrusive way..was just curious based on your earlier statement

10:31:15 PM ME: honestly – I don’t see how what goes on behind my closed doors is fodder for a facebook IM

10:33:01 PM LNC: didnt mean to pry

Moral of the story: 1. My FB chat is now permanently turned off after 8pm PST. 2.For the first time in my FB history, I used the un-friend button.

There are so many questions…..

Like, what exactly does a hybrid drive train mean in this scenario — Is this man half robot?  Does he eat oils that convert to bio-diesel?

Also, I feel like an automotive analogy might not be the best option when you are trying to attract ladies.  Not trying to be sexist here, but I don’t think that females know that much about cars.  I certainly don’t.  We’re not like…. ooooh, fuel injection.  (which, btw. is an analogy that this dude didn’t use.  I mean…. Fuel injection… It basically writes itself).

When I think about love, and dating, and sexing, and the whole mess of things — I often get caught up in the bullshit, and forget what I’m looking for, the reason why I’m in the fray to begin with.

All I want, all I’ve ever wanted, is a partner in crime.  Someone to share my mischievous times and grand adventures.  Someone who makes a trip to the grocery store into a madcap caper, and with whom any and every moment is magical.

Is that too much to ask?